Our Roller Coaster

Our life truly has been a roller coster lately. Brooklyn is 7 weeks old and weighs 5 lbs 5 oz. She has made awesome progress so far. We were planning on her coming home yesterday (Monday), but during her last feeding at the hospital she choked. It took her about 5 minutes to recover from this incident. Needless to say, we did not go home. The doctor wants to watch her for a few more days before we can consider taking her home. It seems like the only thing that stays consistent through all of this is that God's plan is not the same as our plan. It is hard to have the end so close. Poor Colten does not understand. I feel like every day when I pick him up from day care I have some sort of bad news to give him. Last week we lost our dog. He has been very concerned about her coming home.

We are so ready to all be together. I dream of the day that I don't have to put on make up and leave the house to feed my child. I can not wait to see the look on Colten's face when he finally gets to meet  Brooklyn. I want so bad to spend one whole day with just my family and not go anywhere. I know this time will be here soon enough. We want Brook to be health and ready when she comes home, but for now we dream of the time we will all be together. I trust in Gods plan. I do not always understand it, but I trust it. I have so much respect to women that have babies stay in NICU for months. Why have only been there a little over 7 weeks and it feels like an eternity.

The one thing I am sure if is that Brooklyn is so amazing. She is so strong and developing such a unique personality. She loves to be held close. That means lots of snuggle time for me.

Over the past 7 weeks we have been blessed with so many great people in our lives. I found this on Facebook, and it describes perfectly what is like to be associated with NICU and the wonderful people that work there.

Dear NICU Nurse,To be honest, I never knew you existed. Back when our birth plan included a fat baby, balloons and a two-day celebratory hospital stay, I had never seen you. I had never seen a NICU. Most of the world hasn’t. There may have been a brief, “This is the Neonatal floor” whilst drudging by on a hospital tour. But no one really knows what happens behind those alarm-secured, no-window-gazing, doors of the NICU. Except me. And you.I didn’t know that you would be the one to hold and rock my baby when I wasn’t there. I didn’t know that you would be the one to take care of him the first 5 months of his life as I sat bedside, watching and wishing that I was you. I didn’t know that you would be the one to hand him to me for the first time, 3 weeks after he was born. That you would know his signals, his faces, and his cries. Sometimes, better than me. I didn’t know you. I didn’t know how intertwined our lives would become.I know you now. I’ll never be able to think of my child’s life, without thinking of you.I know that in the NICU, you really run things. That your opinions about my baby’s care often dictates the course and direction or treatment as you consult with the neonatologist every day. I know that you don’t hesitate to wake a sometimes sleeping doctor in the nearby call room because my baby’s blood gas number is bad. Or because his color is off. Or because he has had 4 bradys in the last 45 minutes. Or because there’s residual brown gunk in his OG tube.I know now that youare different from other nurses.I know that, at times, you are assigned to just one baby for 12 hours straight. You are assigned to him because he is the most critically sick and medically fragile baby in the unit. I’ve seen you sit by that baby’s bedside for your entire shift. Working tirelessly to get him comfortable and stable. Forgoing breaks while you mentally will his numbers to improve. I’ve seen you cry with his family when he doesn’t make it. I’ve seen you cry alone.I’ve seen you, in an instant, come together as a team when chaos ensues. And let’s be honest, chaos and NICU are interchangeablewords. When the beeper goes off signaling emergency 24 weeker triplets are incoming. When three babies in the same pod are crashing at the same time. When the power goes off and you’re working from generators. In those all too often chaotic moments, you know that time is more critical in this unit than any other, and you don’t waste it. You bond together instantly as a team, methodically resolving the crisis until the normal NICU rhythm is restored.Yes. I know you now. I’ll never be able to give in return what you have given to me. Thank you for answering my endless questions, even when I had asked them before. Thank you for your skill, you are pretty great at what you do. Thank you for fighting for my baby. Thank you for pretending like it was normal when I handed you a vial of just pumped breast milk. Thank you for agreeing to play Beatles lullabies in my baby’s crib when I was gone. Thank you for waking the doctor. Thank you for texting me pictures of my sweet miracle, even when it was against hospital policy. Thank you for crying with me on the day we were discharged.Most of the world still doesn’t know what you do. They can’t understand how integral you are to the positive outcomes of these babies who started life so critically ill. But I do. I know you now. I will never forget you. In fact, our story can never be told without mentioning you. So the next time you wave your access card to enter the place that few eyes have seen, know that you are appreciated. I know you, and you are pretty amazing.Your fan forever, A NICU Mum would also like to post for all the nicu nurses:

 — with Candy Guevara.

Bottle Feeding

I can not believe we have been in NICU over a month. The nurses and doctos are beginning to feel like family. We are spending hours on end getting to know these people. NICU people really are a special kind a of person! I have to say I will be a little bit sad to not so see these amazing people after we go home. But that release day can not get here fast enough.

Brooklyn is doing AMAZING! She now weights 4 lbs 10 oz. she is getting bigger every day. Over the weekend. She took her first bottle. When my son was born we didn't think twice about sticking a  bottle in his mouth or nursing him. Oh my, how things are different with a preemie. There are so many things to watch for. It is a little nerve racking to feed her right now. On Saturaday the doctor finally said we could try a bottle. Brook has been showing feeding cues for a while, but she is so young and has had other issues going on. The nurse was so helpful, she stood beside us the whole feeding to make sure we were holding Brook just right and making sure she tolerated the feeding. Brook did awesome. She took almost half. We were very excited with how we'll she did. For now, we are just doing one bottle a day until she can learn how to eat better. We do not want to overstimulate her with feelings. The therapy team will be in later today to work with us on techniques to help with feeding. It is just crazy how different it is than feeding a full term baby. Taking full feeding is one of the last major mile stones to accomplish before we go home. We still have a few weeks left, but we are starting it see an end to this extended stay.

Now that there is an end in sight we are starting to prepare to bring Brook home. Before I was admitted to the hospital, we had done NOTHING to prepare for this baby. Week days are crazy. There is almost no time at home. That leaves us with a couple of weekends to juggle feeding and preparing a nursery. We we working hard to have things ready. We have finally picked out a paint color and will be painting this week. I will post pictures as things come together.

One month old!

I can not believe my sweet Brooklyn Grace is already one month old. It is crazy, I feel like time flies, but when looking at the future it seems to go so slow. She is now weighing in at 4 lbs 3 oz. This is right at a pound above birth rate. She is growing daily! Brook is even starting to get chubby cheeks. Brook is still tube feeding. I hope that we will start bottle feeding next week. That is our next big mile stone we are looking forward to. Right now Brook is still on oxygen. She is breathing room air with a little bit of a push. I think that it is her security. Any time the doctor even talks about taking her off, then she starts to struggle. Her blood count is still a little low. We are hoping that she starts producing blood at a higher rate soon. If she continues to decrease she will have to get a blood transfusion. The eye doctor came to do an eye exam today. (I hear it is very common for preemies to have eye issues and increased risk for blindness) everything looked great. He does not want to follow up for one year.

Our family is doing better. We are in our little routine now. NICU visits have become part of our daily schedule. There is still not much time left for "real life" after all the visits, but we are managing. We are still going to all the feeding (every three hours) except the midnight and 3:00 am. Other than that, Austin and I take turns going. Colten is doing much better. I am still unsure how much he understand. I don't think he realizes that at some point, a baby will really come to live in our house. He is very involved in everything baby. Colten loves to help me fold Brooks's clothes or wash pump pieces. I know I will look back on this part of my life and it will seem like nothing. Everything we have been through has made me treasure every moment I have with my family! Thank you for all the prayers and support. I am quite sure the prayers are what is keeping me sane.

Our First Set Back

Happy new year!! It is crazy how time an go by so fast but so slow at the same time. We are coming to the end of our third week as a NICU family. I am amazed at the care we are recieving. The nurses and doctors are amazing. When we first got here we were prepare for a rough stay. We were told there would be many set backs and not to get discouraged. Well, for the most part things have been great. Brook is progressing better than expected. Early this week we were moved out of our isolation room. This good news for Brook. We we now in a general room with lots of babies. Brook is weighing in at 3 pounds 6 ounces. This is 4 ounces above birth rate. We are still about 2 or 3 weeks away from bottle feeding. We need to make sure she is mature enough and ready before we try. We are also about 2 weeks away from wearing clothing.  Brook still requires minimal stimulation for her to grow and develop. She is continuing to grow daily. This last week we have had our first "set back" that we had been warned about. Brook's heart rate was a little bit high an her oxygen saturation was pretty low. After monitoring her all day the doctor decided to put her back on oxygen and run some test. Brooks's blood count came back at the low end of normal. Her counts are trending down so we are watching closley to make sure she does not need a tranfusion. She will contine to be on oxygen until her stats look a little better. All along, this little girl has done so amazing, and now she is showing her age. The doctors are not super concerned. They just think she is still so small and acting her age. This is just a set back. I know this strong baby an over come it.

It is crazy how racing back and forth from home to the hospital has become a way of life for us. We have gotten in a little routine now. Thank goodnes for daycare! Colten going to day care has been a big help for us. B is still very confused about his baby sissy. He is not real sure where she is or when she is coming home.

I have not written in few days. Life has been so crazy since I got out of the hospital. First lets start with a Brooklyn update. She is 11 days old today and 30 weeks and 4 days gestational age. In the last couple of day Brook has finally started to gain weight. Last night she weighed 2 lbs and 14 ounces. She is taking 24 ml every 3 hours. We are also fortifying my milk. This adds 4 calories per feeding. I am amazed at what 4 calories extra can do for her little body. I feel like I can take in more than four calories from just smelling a piece of pie. We have been restricted to holding her two times a day. I look forward to these two feelings each day. Brooklyn is still on oxygen and probably will be for quite a while. She has had all her IVs removed. All offer nutrients is coming from milk, which she takes through a feeding tube. Her feeding tube is a tiny tube that is inverted thought her mouth and goes all the way to her stomach. Brook is becoming more alert and opening her eyes more. She is starting to respond to the schedule she is on. She is doing the best she can do for being so small. I give God all the credit!


Going back and forth between home and the hospital every three hours has been crazy. Any of you moms that have had NICU babies have any advise for me? Did you go for every feeding? I feel like I need to be there for her so she knows she is loved. It is hard to be at the hospital every 3 hours and still make sure Colten's needs are met. My 2 1/2 year old son is starving for affection right now. It just kills me. When I am home he just clings to me and when I leave he cries. I don't know how to be both their mommies right now. There is just not enough time in the day. I am staying home for the midnight and 3:00 am feelings. Between all the back and forth and pumping every 3 hours life is just crazy!!!

We have had amazing support and help from friends and family so far. My mom has been living with us for about a month. She has been AMAZING! I am sad to say that she is going home today. It is time for her to return to her life. She will be missed, but I know she will be back soon. I have to say, there were some tears shed when we said our goodbye this morning. We have also had several friends   bring us meals. It is been so helpful not to have to worry about what was for dinner. Thank you so much SheaBristo for setting up the meal train. We are so blessed to have so much help and support!

We are just going to continue to pray that Brook stays strong!

Brooklyn Grace Lair

Most of you already know, but Brooklyn Grace was born Monday, December 16^th at 2:20 am. She weighed 3 pounds 2 ounces and was 15 ½ inches long. Here is her magical birth story…

On Thursday (December 12^th) I started bleeding quite a bit. This was a scary moment for us. We rushed in to do an ultrasound and all looked good. The bleeding stopped after about an hour. The doctor was in fear that the placenta was detaching. If this happens we would have to get the baby out quickly. Well everything leveled off and there was no sign of blood or distress on the baby. We were just waiting for me to start bleeding any minute.

 After three days of constant watching and waiting I sent Austin home. He and my mom had not left my side for days. We were all in fear something would happen and I would be by myself. Sunday night about 11:00 PM I decided to go to the bathroom one last time in hopes that I would not be up all night. You know when you are drinking over a gallon of water each day; you are up all night going to the bathroom. Well I started bleeding. I called my nurse and Austin was the second call. My mom, who has pretty much moved in with us stayed at home with Colten while Austin came to the hospital. Within a few minutes there was a lot of blood. We put me on the monitor to check Brook. We decided to wait a few minutes to determine how much blood I was losing. After a few minutes, I stood up and blood poured out on the floor. I knew at this moment that Brook was coming soon. The nurse called my doctor and started prepping me for surgery. Dr. Hook was at the hospital waiting on me in a matter of minutes.

Once I was wheeled up the labor and delivery I was scooted to the surgery table. The anesthesiologist worked quickly to start my spinal anesthesia. He had a hard time getting it started.  At this point I was scared and worried. I was about to have a 29 week baby. I knew it was God’s plan, but could still not see how it was going to be positive. I began to shake and cry due to the fear and the pain of the needle in my back. I can honestly say that the needle was the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. The whole right side of my body was in lots of pain from the waist down. The doctor was a little put out with me because I could not stop shaking and he couldn’t do his job if I was moving. Doctor Hook (my OB) stepped in and stood in front of me. She wrapped her arms around me and took control of the situation. She held me and let me sob on her shoulder. I could not have made it through this part without her comfort. After the spinal got in I quickly went numb and the doctors got to work on getting that baby out. We had a whole team of NICU doctors and nurses ready to help Brook in any way she needs.

 

Austin was there by my side the whole time. His has been such amazing support. When Brook came out she let out the most precious little squeal. Everyone that has had a baby knows how that first noise touches your heart. Since she is so small, it was not a loud cry, but it was enough to bring tears to my eyes. The NICU staff worked quickly on Brook, while the labor and delivery team worked on me. After a few minutes it was time for Brook to make her way to NICU. Austin went with her while the doctors finished up on me. I had my own personal labor and delivery nurse that was sure to make sure that I was ok. Mandy Rigler was amazing. Once Austin left, Mandy stood by my side and held my hand. She stayed with me during recovery and reassured me that Brook was ok.

 

 

Soon Austin came back from NICU and found me in recovery. I could see in his face that he was so in love with that little girl. She has stolen his heart from the first minute. After I was done in recovery I went back to my room. Mandy was sure to take me by NICU for a few minutes to take a peek at that beautiful baby girl. By the time I got back to my room it was about 5:30 am. Austin and I were both exhausted but full of adrenaline.

Brooklyn is working hard to fight an uphill battle in NICU. We praise God for the progress she has made. We are expecting her to be in NICU for about 10 weeks. We take every day one at a time. We will have good days and bad days, but I can now see this amazing plan that God has for us. Right now Brook is working on keeping her heart rate up, keeping her oxygen level up, gaining weight, and regulating her body temperature. She has gone back and forth on and off oxygen. Brook is so young that she does not remember to breath. When she does not breathe, her heart rate and oxygen level drops. These are normal challenges that she will face as she matures.

 

 

 

 

For the past few weeks I have struggled with understanding why this nightmare was happening to us and how it could be God’s plan. I have had, and am still having to have faith in God on a whole new level. What I have learned so far is that once you really give God control he will take it and show you the good.

 

 

Brook has now been alive for 3 full days. I am leaving the hospital today. I am so excited to be with my family again, but I am just not sure I am going to be able to leave that precious girl here. I have been full of tears today. How and I supposed to leave such a big part of me here. I know that she has an amazing team of people closely monitoring her. I just can’t help but feel like I am abandoning her. There will be such a plus to being home. I can once again be a mommy and a wife. Having those roles taken from me for a few weeks has been really hard. I am so excited to give Colten night night kisses tonight and sleep in my own bed! Thank you to all the people who have supported us and continue to support us. As we make this next transition on our journey I know it will be tough, but we can do it!

 

The End Is Near

Well, after talking to the doctor this morning we think the end is near. I am showing signs of uterine irritability. This just means that the end is nearing. We do not know when. Brook could come tomorrow or in two weeks. Brook looks awesome on the fetal monitor. We are consistently having nurses and doctors tell us she looks so much older on the monitor. This is good. I just want her to stay in as long as possible. We are scared about having such a small baby. We are working hard to stay positive and trust God! All you prayer warriors need to pray for 10 more days. This would put us at 30 weeks. That is another big developmental miles stone.